absoluteinvolution: real, raw & relatable.

Every time I seem to be facing a serious crisis in life, I run. Some people drink, some turn to drugs, meaningless flings with strangers. I become a track star. Running as far and as fast as I possibly can to get away from whatever it is causing me to break down. I’ve felt like the Disney version of Pocahontas, running through the forest at full speed so she could to throw herself on top of John Smith and act as his shield. Except I was both her and John in this version. The protector and the sacrificial lamb. No one else seemed to want to protect me, so I grew to only rely on myself.

Truth of the matter is, I run to ground myself. I run back to me, what I know and what is familiar and comforting. Security and safety. Where I allow myself to be unapologetically me. I run home. Wherever that feels, be it person or place or both. Maybe it’s not the healthiest, or the most beneficial for the situations I’ve been in at times, but it’s instinct. It’s something that just comes naturally.

There’s nothing wrong with that way of coping and I’m tired of people saying it is. Why would anyone want to stay in a situation or a place where every bone and fiber of their being is telling them to go elsewhere. The body keeps the score I once heard and I’m living proof of that. Aches and pains, morning to night. Racing thoughts, insomnia, quick trigger anger… I’ve always searched for something to take the edge off. Drinking worked, but I knew it wasn’t a healthy way to deal. I tried to manage the pain with pharma products, that resulted in addiction, counting my pain pills and thinking my own Father was stealing them. I did full work ups, saw specialists and physiotherapists to start the road to recovery, only to be let down by the medical system so many times I’ve now lost count. So I manage my pain with cannabis and when the stress gets too much for me to handle, I run. Not before expressing to those around me that I’ve reached my limits. Hoping, praying that someone grabs me by the wrist and pulls me out of the water while drowning.

But no one grabbed me this time, no one’s pulled me out of the water. Instead. a new version of myself did. A stronger version of myself, one that stopped relying on anyone else a long time ago. A version of myself that I pushed down for so long because I didn’t think she was strong enough. I never thought I’d ever put myself first until my kids were grown and out of the house. I had this idea that I’d be stuck in that state for decades, silent, placating those around me to keep the peace.

I’m tired of making myself small for the sake of other people’s feelings. I’m going to take up space, the Universe does it anyways. Never in my life have I been that person, not once. I’m not about to start now.

I’m not unhinged, I will be happy again and I’ve always been wild.

-A.