absoluteinvolution: real, raw & relatable.

Sometimes I wish I had the patience of a thousand monk. To not react when feeling provoked, to take a mental step back and assess something instead of wanting to fight it head-on. I’ve always been this way. Confrontational, ready for battle, willing to break my own back to prove a point when I feel like I’m in the right. It’s been at the expense of friendships, relationships at times even. I don’t enjoy the aftertaste so to speak. The battle itself sends endorphins rushing through my veins like those hot wings challenge shows. It almost feels like a high and a thrill-seeking thing, wanting to see the face of my adversary as I prove another point and make another mental checkmark on my list of accomplishments.

At the end of the day, the after taste is what turns me off so much. The leftover feeling after the fact, when I’m alone replaying the entire scenario in my mind, because apparently that’s a necessary thing to do in my head. Sitting there with the sensations of slight regret and remorse for being so vicious without even thinking. Tongue lashing people I’m supposed to care about. I’d done so good these last 10 years, restraining myself and taking the higher road. I still can and do at times. Hormones suck. Hormones after having kids and Moon Cycles returning suck even more. I’m grateful for my ability to still procreate if I wish to do so, but why did the Universe create such a wave and rush of emotions that go along with it?

As women, we get insulted when men act in a condescending manner and ask if we’re PMS-ing, or on our period when we’re acting out of turn. When maybe there’s some truth to it, even if we don’t want to admit it. I know that I get irrational at times within the 3-week period where things just aren’t baseline. Today was one of those days. After years of supressing these feelings and stressors in my life, I’m exploding more, I’m taking things out on someone who’s only trying to help and guide me into a better path in life. I know I’m only doing it because I love them so deeply and I feel safe here, but it shouldn’t be this way.

Why do we always take things out on those we love and care about the most? What psychological reasoning allows us to think this is an okay behaviour to have, even when we KNOW it’s not? Try as we might, it seems as thought this is the norm no matter how badly we want it to change. I hope with this post I can look back and remember to try a bit harder to give those around me grace, even while I go through the grieving period of my old life.

-A.