absoluteinvolution: real, raw & relatable.

I used to admire you. Your courage, your ability to put yourself first. I used to think of you as this perfect figure, without flaws that couldn’t be justified. Imagining myself alongside you in an ideal world. Rolling hills, a tiny brick house we called our own in a foreign country. Travelling anywhere our hearts desired, trying new foods. Sharing a lip balm and a Pumpkin Latte in the car turned into dreams of sharing a life one day.

All part of this vision I had for so long. I used to look at the sky and wonder if you were above me this time. If for a short moment, we were looking at the same stars, the same cloud. Wondering if after all these years, you still looked the same. If your arms still felt as safe as they once had. Or if time had turned you sour, how I hoped I was wrong.

Ever so quickly all of that disappeared. Time indeed, had turned you sour, and I wasn’t ready to face that reality. The you I had held onto for so long died when I left, so did the me you remembered. The me that allowed behaviours to continue because I’d put you on a pedestal for so long. The version of me that thought you could do no wrong and that even if you did, there would have to be a good reason for it because you… were perfection in my eyes.

I’m sorry the world has been so cruel to you, that you can’t even see when someone’s open heart is bleeding in front of you, waiting to be held in your hands and cauterize its wounds. I’m sorry that you don’t feel like you can be honest enough to save someone further heartbreak when they’ve already suffered so much, simply by talking to them. It must be cold and lonely where your heart lives, to not want to share every beautiful part of you. I can’t imagine living that reality every day.

If it matters to you, I wish you well. I hope life allows you to see yourself the way I did one day.

If it matters to you, I loved you… a version of you that never actually existed outside of my mind.

-A.