absoluteinvolution: real, raw & relatable.

Don’t you love when things just fall into place? Manifestations you were really putting your energy into come to fruition and you feel accomplished. Finally, for the first time in a while, you feel like you can breathe a sign of relief after months, or years of drowning in your own emotions. You haven’t found a way to sabotage your own happiness surprisingly and you’re not worried about the “other shoe dropping”. Or are you?

Nothing has ever felt easy or simple for me. It’s always felt like an uphill battle that I continuously end up losing. A rollercoaster ride with loops and drops, never the ones that float through a beautiful waterfall and cool you off with its refreshing mist. So naturally, when things are going well, I’m apprehensive. I don’t appreciate the easy moments because I’m always worried about how it’s going to burst into flames. I’m working on that, the constant doubt that lives in my head rent free. I want to enjoy the wins in life, without fearing how it will in my mind, inevitably implode. I want to just be in the moment, fearless and happy.

Things seem to be manifesting for me at a scary rate. Where I must be aware of how I word things or how I even simply project ideas in my own head. Within the span of 4 months, I’ve seen my inner thoughts and wishes come to life without too much effort on my behalf. Things just happening, things I’ve wanted for a long time are now just unfolding and laying themselves out in front of me on a silver platter for the taking.

I almost feel like it’s a trap. There’s got to be something lurking around the corner. I’m standing at a fork in the road and one of the paths is most definitely leading me to my demise. I don’t want that to be my reality, I want to make the right choice and live the most authentic and true version. One that doesn’t require me to constantly be fighting for happiness within myself. I’m not sure when I acquired such high standards for my own happiness, or when I became so neurotic… I wish I knew so I could go back and reassess it. Allow myself the ability to just take a step back, without needing to always analyze everything to the core. Leave the “dramas” of life aside and just appreciate the small, medium and big things happening around me. To live in the moment and be excited for the future, not afraid of all the terrible things that could happen.

Maybe it’s just part of who I am, analytical, overthinking, busy minded. Just for once though, it would be nice if I could just still my thoughts, look out at the horizon, inhale deeply and exhale without wondering what’s coming next.

-A.