absoluteinvolution: real, raw & relatable.

Every day that passes I realize how much I’ve grown as a woman in the last 4 months. I don’t want to go back to being unhappy with my life or myself. I want to keep the waters smooth. I’ve learned so much recently. What I’m willing to accept, what I will no longer accept. The past ideologies I had surrounding relationships and people in my life, sentences like “It is what it is” no longer feel right coming out of my mouth. Being constantly asked how I manage all the stressors in my daily life and I would answer, “I don’t know but I just do.” When I wasn’t managing them at all, my world was crumbling beneath my feet, and I didn’t see it until I wasn’t standing within those four walls anymore. I left and everything collapsed. Burning up in the rearview mirror as I drove away in hopes to save whatever pieces of myself were left.

 Taking on everyone else’s pain, everyone else’s responsibilities to make their lives easier. In turn making my life so unmanageable that I lost myself. Looking back on pictures from even 6 months ago, I didn’t see what was happening at the time. I looked lost, unhappy, silently screaming behind a shade of brown so dark it seemed abysmal. I was alone, while surrounded by an entire family. Sad, while still surrounded by the unconditional love of my children. I needed to go, I needed to run and get away from the chaos that had filled my soul full of pain for so long. I see now that there actually is another way. I’d been coasting through life, dead inside for months. No. Years.

It’s been years, since I’ve felt this good. I know it won’t be easy, but I need go back to figure out the next step in this chapter. Even though every fiber in my body is fighting it, one story must end if I want to start a new one. My mind is filled with worry and fear. I don’t want to lose the wonderful feeling I’ve been experiencing; I don’t want to lose myself again. At some point, the running catches up with you and you must face the firing squad. No matter what the heart wants, we must think with our mind at times. For now, I’ll enjoy every minute of it. I will imprint it into my mind, burn your smile into my heart. Knowing that I’ll see you again some day.

-A.