absoluteinvolution: real, raw & relatable.

Strength. Something I’ve always been known for. Something that everyone asked me how I had so much of. I don’t know where it comes from, or how I got so much of it. It’s something that has just happened after years of emotional abuse at the hands of people who chose to take advantage of a kind heart. At the hands of those who truly had their own personal interests at hand. Men who fooled me into thinking I meant something, anything to them. I stayed. I stayed when I should have turned around and fucking ran to the goddamn hills. Never looking back, never giving them chance after chance. I stayed. So much for strength…

How does one differentiate the appearance of strength, when in reality it was fear. Sure I was “strong” for staying so long, but was I really? Or was I too scared to do it alone, so I stayed. Strength, a truly strange concept to me. Was it strength or self preservation. Or are they the same thing? Synonyms of the ability to handle pain, abuse, neglect. Either way, I’m tired. I’m exhausted from taking on every single thing that is thrown my way, square in the face. I’ll continue to do it though, since it’s the only thing I know how to do

I’m choosing myself from this day forward. I refuse to be “strong” if it means putting up with being mistreated and betrayed repeatedly. I’m choosing to save myself, that’s how I’m going to show my strength. I don’t want to be strong if it means keeping a happy face on for the sake of everyone else while pushing my own needs aside. The day has come, for me to be strong, for me.

-A.