absoluteinvolution: real, raw & relatable.

I’m not sure when this shift happened, where I lost all confidence in my own independence. I used to be so self-assured, so goddamn self-confident. I like to think somewhere deep down inside, she’s still there. That fearless woman who won’t take shit, who won’t put up with being an option and sticks to her guns. She seems to have slowly disappeared over the years and hasn’t come back yet. I keep thinking I’ll find her again, keep calling for her and I’d like to believe I see glimpses of her here and there. When in reality, it’s just my imagination playing tricks on me.

The years of being neglected in relationships, being deceived and betrayed have taken their toll on me and at this point, I honestly don’t feel like I’ll ever be able to fully trust someone or heal from what’s happened. I keep trying though… Trying not to let the pass transgressions of other men trickle into new relationships. It’s so fucking hard…. Especially when things don’t go exactly according to plan. I never thought of myself as a regimented person, someone who always needs things to be a certain way. Routine has never been something that comes naturally to me, if anything I actively fight against it. Always wanting to push against the norm, continuously pushing the boundaries. Yet here I find myself, clinging to the desire of routine and predictability. Maybe this all a reflection of my own issues? The things others disliked within me, my flightiness and constant need to run and be free. So much so that I had the word “Free Bird” tattooed on my forearm, only to end up pregnant and engaged shortly after. Spending the next 7 years at the mercy of a man who spent more time focusing on his coworker and SW’s than his own family and fiancé.

I digress… I just want to be able to quiet my mind on my own, even just for a short while. Without the assistance of a man or a bottle. I want to be able to tell myself that the thoughts I’m having are irrational and truly believe it, without needing to look for reassurance from my partner. I want to spend one day of my life without questioning the motives and words of the people in my circle. Spend one night without laying in bed running through every negative scenario playing out in my head as I try to get some rest. Only to turn to a bottle of liquor to stop the thoughts from flowing.

How peaceful it would be to just…. Be. Be still in the moment. Be at peace with myself and those around me. Be the best version of myself that I can be. Not try to sabotage every single good thing in my life because I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy. Is chaos and sadness just a part of who I’m meant to be now? I feel like I’m losing grip of the person I’m supposed to be at this point. Losing sight of what I actually want in life. Am I truly happy or have I simply immersed myself into something else to avoid diving too deeply into myself?

I miss her so much. I can’t remember the last time I saw her smile so wholeheartedly she forgot how insecure she is about her teeth. Or the last time she looked in the mirror and thought she looked incredible. I miss her with every fibre of my being. That girl… She was phenomenal. A true force to be reckoned with. The confidence that women wished they had and men shied away from. The truest form of intimidation. The “bitch”. No one messed with her, that’s for damn sure. No one thought twice to lie to her, hurt her, play games with her. They knew better.

-A.