absoluteinvolution: real, raw & relatable.

I’m tired. My heart is tired, my mind is tired. My body has held up this weight for so many years without releasing any of its tension. “You’re so strong! I don’t know how you do it?” I’ve heard these words and read them hundreds of times. I can’t wait until the day where I don’t have to be so strong anymore. Where I can just relax and let go of all the pressure and hardships I’ve carried throughout this lifetime. I don’t say this in an end of days type of way, but more in the sense that I just want to feel free of it all. To be able to take a moment, inhale and exhale so deeply that tears come to my eyes from pure joy and happiness.

I feel it at times when I’m with you. Things go silent in my mind for a few minutes; when you press your body against mine and I feel the words drift away as the weight of you sets in. I feel nothing but your heartbeat against my chest and it brings me peace. I feel my emotions and thoughts balance out and things seem a bit more regulated. I love it and hate it at the same time. I don’t want to think this way, but honestly, I fucking hope it doesn’t end. I can’t keep manifesting these thoughts of things burning up in flames. I feel like I’m going to find a way to push you away unknowingly and it’s going to shatter me into a thousand pieces.

I don’t understand how I could be with someone for 7 years, have children with them yet feel almost nothing towards them now. Yet with you, goddammit… I feel every ounce of my body crumble at your feet. I lay my soul bare with you; I keep nothing hidden. You see through me like no one else has and it scares the living shit out of me. It gives you too much power and I’m trying my best to cling onto any little bit of that power that I can. I don’t want to lose myself again, but I feel so fucking safe with you. Wanting to give you my all but fighting so hard not to. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I want to trust that you won’t do what every other man in my life has done. Abandon and discard me, like a meaningless flyer that’s overrun your mailbox. I want to trust that you feel the same way I do, but I don’t believe that’s entirely the case. I know I like you more than you like me. It’s just the nature of who I am. I want to share every part of me with you, not hiding any version. So that you can choose to keep me by your side. Accepting every part; the sad, the happy, the needy and hurting.  I want to think that you’ll always be there for me in some way. I just know that if I can’t have all of you, I don’t want any part of you… It would just be too hard for me to look at you in passing and not want to press my lips against yours over and over again. Just know that… Just know that, from now until you no longer want me by your side.

-A.