absoluteinvolution: real, raw & relatable.

I feel like I’m one small disaster away from a complete mental and nervous breakdown. Yet somehow, I’ve managed to keep it together in the most chaotic scenarios. The last year has been by far, the hardest of my life. Between having my second child, dealing with a partner who was chronically unfaithful while I tried to keep face. Pretending like all was well, posting pictures from the Mountains where everything looks like literal perfection. Waterfalls in the background with my child in my arms, yet never any smiling pictures with my partner at the time and I. Funny how those things happen right? Funny how social media has us conditioned to think people have these perfect little lives where all is well, yet behind closed doors we’re falling apart in the worst of ways.

Someone close to me commented on the fact that when he lived across the street, he never saw me outside. Like I was some sort of recluse, yet what he didn’t and doesn’t know… Is that I was a void of a human. A void of what I wanted to be, what I crave to be as a human being. I just wanted to feel something more than what I was feeling at that time. Constantly feeling like I was in competition with women who weren’t part of my relationship… But they were. They meant more. I was never enough. Not in my past relationship, not my childhood and sometimes I feel like I never will be. I wish I could wake up one day and feel like whatever I put into the world is enough, but it isn’t. It never will be. I know it’s no one else’s responsibility to make me feel this way but myself. I’m aware that it’s no one else’s duty but my own to uplift me. I just wish I had someone to hold me in this moment and reassure me that it will get better. Most importantly, I wish I had someone to do that for me and that I would be able to actually believe them.

-A.