absoluteinvolution: real, raw & relatable.

Isn’t it interesting how sometimes in life you do things without realizing it’s going to be the last time you do them? The simplest things are taken for granted without even knowing it. Something as mundane as driving down a certain trail, standing around a certain fire, ordering someone’s favourite drink. We don’t ever stop for a moment and take these little things in. I mean really breath in the moments and appreciate that you’re even experiencing them in the first place. Over the years I’ve tried to focus on the present, see and love every moment of my life. I don’t want to miss out on anything. I don’t want to take anything for granted anymore. Every new experience, regardless of how terrifying it may be is a new one to lock away in my mind’s memories.

When painful things happen to us, we close off those parts of ourselves as an act of self-preservation. We rewire our brains to forget, or to lock the demons away. Burying them under emotions that we spend the rest of our lives trying to contain. Most days we think we’re doing a great job at keeping them at bay. Every so often we throw them a little meal to tide them over. Feed them just a bit so that they can stay put. The thing we don’t realize is that by throwing them those grains of rice every so often, only keeps them alive. Locking them up seems easier than facing them head on. The worry of them winning the fight is enough to keep them around. I’d like to think one day I’ll be strong enough to face them. It won’t be easy, it never is. I hope when that day comes, I’m surrounding by people who are fighting the same fight. I hope that those who I’ve loved and poured into over the years will be by my side, swords in hand. Ready to help me slay the dragons, or at least tame them and have them work in my favour. Either way, I don’t want to do it alone.

“Alone: separated from others. Isolated.” The definition given by Meriam-Websters’ dictionary.

This passed week I watched the Planet of the Apes series. Funny, it’s been out so long and I’d never seen it. I found myself pondering the definition of “alone”, not to be confused with “lonely”. I’ve never had a problem with being alone. I spent most of my childhood alone, isolated from others. I preferred it the majority of the time. Reading books, walking around my backyard, laying on the grass by the tree line on the school playground. Sitting in the forest, waiting for the bell to ring and sneak back into class. I enjoyed my solitude. As I grew older and made new friends and connections, I discovered what falling in love was. Even though I’d always loved my solitude, I started to wonder what life could be like if I had someone to share that special time with. Not give it away completely, but have someone join me on those walks sometimes. When I wanted to go sit by the water somewhere, what would it be like if I had someone’s hand to hold while doing it? We didn’t need to have long discussions about the meaning of life, but rather just sit in each other’s stillness. Listen to the rushing water while resting my head on their shoulder. That just maybe, I didn’t have to do it alone anymore. Maybe I could find someone to join me on my adventures.

“Apes together strong.”

This sentence resonated so profoundly in my soul when Caesar said it.

I can fight the dragons alone, I can keep the wolves away alone, I can shove the demons back into their cells alone. But to have someone beside me to fight them with? Why wouldn’t I want that? It would only make me stronger.

“Strong: 1) Having or marked by great physical power, 2) having moral or intellectual power.”

I feel like we always associate that word with the first definition. Physical strength, empowering, overpowering, defending, protecting. We sometimes forget that without a strong mind, a strong body is nothing more than muscles and unpredictability. Without a strong mind, we are just walking weapons to be unleashed on the next person who frustrates us. We lash out, raise our voices, throw things. We have these outbursts of emotions because our minds, weren’t trained as much as our bodies. Our emotions, aren’t being worked out. We allow ourselves to believe that if we are physically strong, we can get out of any situation that may harm us. Although that can be true for the most part, physical strength cannot get us out of emotional pain. We can use training our bodies as a way to forget. We can replace it temporarily with physical exertion. The only problem with that is we don’t ever address the emotions. We just use it as a replacement, just like a junkie uses drugs to stop the thoughts from creeping in. I by no means am saying not to work out, quite the opposite. Having a strong body is so important, but having a strong mind and controlled emotions is just as important. One cannot go without the other.

Sometimes, the strongest thing we can do for ourselves is ask for help and reach out to someone. I did that with you. I’m so fucking happy I did. That day when I sat in my car, sobbing and falling apart, wondering how I’d gotten to this point in my life after all these years. Even though I’d tapped out 3 years prior, it still felt like everything was crashing down at once. I reached out. Something I’d done so few times in my 33 years on Earth. For some reason, I reached out to you. Never having shared a sincere moment with you, or really ever liking you. I reached out and I’m so glad I did. In that moment, I became a little bit stronger. Over the last 7 months, day by day I started to believe I could get through this season of my life. I did. I did it with you by my side and I felt strong. You showed me so much, shared things with me, helped quiet my mind when my life came crashing down around me and I thank you for that.

I thank you for giving me the strength I needed when I didn’t think it was possible for me to move forward. Even though you’re no longer by my side, I wouldn’t change it for the world. I wouldn’t go back and text someone else. I wouldn’t stop myself from calling you that day. Believe it or not, I’d choose you again; a thousand times over, in a thousand different lifetimes. I’ve always told people that when I love, I love hard. I love so deeply. I love in a way that no one can ever love me back. Not because I don’t believe I’m deserving of that same love, but because my love is unique. It can be a lot, even feeling suffocating at times. I know this. I won’t apologize for falling for you, or for looking naïve. I won’t say sorry for loving too hard or too much. Even with tears streaming down my face and the weight of the world in sadness on my chest, I will wouldn’t wish the memory of you away. Someday, the thought of a Steeped Tea with Southern Butter Pecan Creamer made fresh in the morning, won’t feel so heavy.

-A.