absoluteinvolution: real, raw & relatable.

Imagine being called the best thing in someone’s life, only to be made to feel disposable. Temporary. Imagine sitting in your bed at night, trying to quiet the thoughts of heartache. For a moment, think about how it feels to be pulled back into his chest while you fight with yourself to just get up and walk away. To have him give himself to you, look you so deeply in the eyes in your most vulnerable state. When your heart, soul and body is open to him. He says the words you so desperately want to hear with his gaze, not with sound. Captivating you again, drawing you back into the pits of Hell with him. You’re comfortable there, you were happy there. Until he decided he didn’t know if it’s what he wanted anymore. Told you he didn’t want it in the beginning, now says you didn’t listen. Yet, there he was… Talking about how precious his time was, that if he gave you the little time that he had leftover it meant you meant something to him. Told you all the things about you he loves, why he picked you. Why he CHOSE you. Claiming you as his, reminding you who’s you are. In front of others, like a primal display of ownership. You loved it. You craved it. You felt safe in it. Secure in it. It’s exactly what was going to draw you into his clutches and that’s exactly what happened.

But he told you not to. He told you not to fall because he had these conditions in place. These things he wouldn’t waver on. These asks of you that were just selfish. Good on him for knowing what he wants… Well… At least with that. He knows what he wants to fuck. He doesn’t know what he wants. Stringing along these sad, broken women. Until he found one of the good ones. Only to take her by the throat and tell her he loved her every time he was fucked up. Just to turn around the next day and get cold, pretend like he never meant it. Act like nothing had happened and nothing was said. Running from the emotions he claims he’s incapable of having. Yet, you know he’s had them before. They’ve all told you. They’ve all told you that you were different. They didn’t know why he was the way he was with you. When with the others, he was affectionate, he was communicative, he was available. He made time for them and didn’t treat them as disposable.

I hope these words find you, I hope you read them over and over and remember that at one time, I was ready to slow dance in a burning room with you. Ready to stand by you through the total darkness because I knew one day, I could show you the light. The greatest thing in your life, will leave you the emptiest. Not because I don’t love you, because I do. I fucking love you. But because unlike you, I was all in. I warned you, that if I couldn’t have all of you, then I can’t have any of you.

-A.