absoluteinvolution: real, raw & relatable.

I’ve been slipping… Slipping on things that I held so strongly to for the last few years. I find myself grasping to old patterns only to fill voids left empty by him. I hate it, I hate what after so long I’ve allowed myself to be back in a place that I clawed my way out of. I can’t entirely blame you though, I had a part in all this mess. I wish I didn’t, but the reality of all of this is that I chose to play my role in this whole motion picture. This featured presentation that included versions of ourselves that I don’t entirely think we were prepared to be. Alas, here we are… Living this reality.

I wish things were easier, I think you do too. I think we both wished things were easier. That maybe we didn’t get so attached to each other. That we didn’t fall a little too hard, a little too fast. I’m sitting here thinking of all the different ways we could’ve done things. The difference between my version and yours, is that I wished that you would’ve loved me back. I had so much faith in us. That’s my curse though, it always has been. That if I just loved you enough, that if I just poured enough into you then maybe… Maybe just maybe, you’d loved me enough to make this work. I’m not ready to lose you, but I know I might already have.

I keep apologizing to you for being too much, for smothering you, suffocating you. To be honest though, it wasn’t too much, it was just too much for you. Maybe some day I’ll find someone who will give me that same energy. It likely won’t be you, you’re not ready for that. You might never be, I wish you would be but I won’t sit there holding my breath waiting for you to be ready. I wish you weren’t so afraid to be loved unconditionally. I wish you weren’t terrified to be seen for exactly who you are and loved accordingly. Some of us, don’t want light and love. Some of us are comfortable with shadows and darkness. Some of us, know exactly what to do with men like you. Running to the hills when that happens is what you’re used to doing, but maybe if you just gave me a chance you might realize that what I offer is a once in a lifetime opportunity. The way I love is selfless, it’s loving every part of you. It’s seeing all your traumas and hardships and still holding space for the boy inside the man.

Honoring your struggles, because yes, they have made you the man you are today, but they do not define you. They are part of why you are the man you are today, but they aren’t the man you are. I just wish you could see yourself through my eyes, even just for a moment… The man I see when I look into your eyes is a strong man, a resilient man. But also, a gentle man, a caring and compassionate man. A man who will see his woman in pain and run her a bath and bring her a tea. A man who will make sure his woman has everything she needs before he has to go take care of his own affairs. A man who in crisis, no matter what’s going on in his own life, will stand tall and take care of things. You were that man for me…

I hate that I feel like I need to let you go. Just know that it took so much for me to get here. That I tried to fucking hard to hold on, I’m still holding on… I just can’t do the in limbo. I’ll be here, cheering you on from the sidelines. Waiting for you to be happy. I just hope that once you get there, you don’t forget who was rooting for you in your corner.

-A.