absoluteinvolution: real, raw & relatable.

I’ve caved a few times since my last entry. Found excuses to message or call. Ran into you far too many times to chalk it up to coincidence. I have to convince myself that it isn’t the Universe’s way of keeping us in each other’s thoughts and lives. Repeatedly tell myself that there isn’t some divine energy tying us together. Maybe if we just pretend like the other doesn’t exist, it might make it easier to forget you, forget there was ever an “Us”.

I have to remind myself of all the times you weren’t what I needed you to be, each time you kept me at just enough of a distance. Moments that could’ve been beautiful memories, instead turned into moments of sadness and feelings of inadequacy. I force myself to recall nights where you chose to act like you didn’t have someone waiting for that Goodnight Call.

Drugs, alcohol and other women took precedence over me and I can’t let those moments be forgotten. As much as I still love you, because even the Gods know that will never change, I have to remember the pain. Pain there was… but there was also so much happiness. Polar opposites, yet so alike.

Both of us running from the past that haunts us in different ways. Trying to hold ourselves together long enough to appear like we’re functioning people. In reality, we’re barely hanging by a thread. Falling apart every day in our own minds. Questioning every single decision we make while living by the motto of;

“It is what it is”…

But is it? Or could we choose differently? Could we face our demons, conquer our traumas and actually come out alive? Or are we both doomed to an eternity of short-term gratification and silent suffering?

For a little while I was sure we were each other’s light, guiding the other to a much better life. I didn’t need you to heal me, just like I wasn’t meant to heal you. Rather, heal alongside the other. The nights you’d scream yourself awake, as I placed my hand on your heart, reassuring you. You’d look me in the eyes and asked me if you were okay. The look of a terrified young boy plastered across your face.

“You’re okay, I’ve got you. I’m not going anywhere.” I said, as you wrapped your arms around me so tightly.

Almost like you were afraid you’d wake up and I’d be gone. I never told you how frequently those nights happened.. I didn’t want you to worry, you already knew it was getting bad. I chose to simply comfort you. I didn’t ask you questions, I didn’t press you. I laid next to you, running my hands through your hair, wrapping myself around you in a warm embrace. Reminding you of the good in this world. You didn’t have to protect yourself around me, I was your peace.

Months of these nights went by and eventually the nights of screaming stopped. They turned peaceful, you’d reach for me in the darkness. Pulling me closer, I’d whisper softly asking if you were okay. The night terrors turned into comfort, reassurance and even love at times. In an almost inaudible whisper, at the most unexpected moments you’d tell me what you wouldn’t sober. In your most tranquil and calm of slumbers, you’d softly let that sentence come out…

“I love you…”

Waves of emotions would come over me every time.. I’d whisper back… “I love you too…” but I knew. I knew that was the only time I would hear you say it. I longed for those words to slip off your tongue and out of the lips that kissed me every night. But they barely came, only when I was finally letting go, and even then… You always fought yourself on it. I knew how you felt, but I needed you to say it..

They never came, not when I needed you to look me in the eyes and say it. That. That is what I need to remember

-A.