absoluteinvolution: real, raw & relatable.

Lesson learned.

I got the memo this time.

Return to sender.

The number you’re trying to reach has been disconnected.

I’m done.

The desire to keep a soft heart has left my soul. This last one, this last one did some damage. Comically enough, I knew it would. I saw it the very first time I was with you. The same emotions felt.. The connection was instantaneous, deep rooted, something neither of us expected. It was everything I prayed for, everything I’d manifested and asked for. Easy, healthy, unproblematic… or so I thought.

I don’t want anything serious.

Don’t fall for me.

You deserve so much better.

I can see it in your eyes, I already know.

I don’t want to hurt you.

You’re such a nice girl.

The red flags were hung high, proudly waving in the wind. As I looked up at them acknowledging their existence, I thought to myself, “What a beautifully broken shade of Red.” Deepened by the feelings of being desired, prioritized, taken care of. Wrapped in the strong arms of a man who’d overcome things so far beyond belief, but yet here he was. Laying in my bed with his body against mine, I felt safe. I felt protected again. The forgotten inner child inside of me held my hand, looked up at me with tears swelling in her deep brown eyes and ask me “Is this one going to stay this time?”

I took a moment before answering her with uncertainty, “I really fucking hope so, I know we’re both tired…”

I’ve overstayed my welcome.

You should have your life back.

I don’t want to add to your pain.

I know I’ve upset you, it wasn’t my intention.

What were your intentions? I heard your words loud and clear, “Just enjoy it for what it is.” I tried, but the more time went on I knew I’d want more. You knew I wanted more and you kept giving it to me. So what were your intentions? What exactly was I supposed to enjoy? Why spend so much time with me? Why place yourself in every part of my life, burn memories of your presence in every part of my home? You turned my sacred, favourite places into your own. I want to curse you and hope every time you find yourself by that lake you’re flooded with our memories. I hope you remember my fingers tracing your shoulders. My lips pressed against you, the smell of me on your skin. But most of all, I just hoped to spend those moments with you for longer..

Was my warmth and heart everything your soul craves deep down? What the boy inside of you needed? Did I make you feel safe? Did I make your racing thoughts pause for just a moment so you could exhale and release all the weight you carry on your shoulders. Did I add softness to your callused heart and hands?

Protect your heart.

Protect your peace.

Protect your soul.

I’m taking that little girl in my soul by the hand, I’m protecting her. I’m keeping her safe. I’m the one who will protect her from now on. You should’ve left me where you found me if you couldn’t be the person you portrayed to me. You portrayed him so well, you were almost perfect. I still want to believe you are him..

-A.