absoluteinvolution: real, raw & relatable.

The struggle is real. That fine balance between letting go and letting God, simultaneously wanting my desired outcome to come to fruition. It’s honestly maddening most days, but I just keep reminding myself that I did it for me. Getting to the point where I’m finally able to voice my issues to the person who triggered them has never been easy for me…

You know when you’re trying to get the right words out, while choking back tears and feeling like there’s a whole turkey stuck in your throat? That’s me. Every time I’ve tried to get out the vulnerable parts of me, I shove it back down as quickly as I humanely can. The fear of completely breaking down and cracking is something I struggle with, I might always. Couple that with the insane desire to be heard, it turns into a volcano waiting to erupt…

So I write, I type and erase. Type and erase. Type and erase. I get lost in the poetics of it, thinking I’ve explained my exact issues. Even when I try to get it out perfectly, I still seem to try my best to protect the receiver. So I get feedback, I edit. I edit. I edit. Then I wait, I sit with it, rereading it over and over while I try to muster the courage to press send. The panic sets in. Will they understand? Do they even want to talk? Did I say too much? Did I get my point across…

I have to ľet it simmer, let the emotions develop. Let them sit with it, even if I hope they know exactly what to say back and we can start moving forward. I have to come to the realization that I may never get the desired outcome I hoped for. Come to the conclusion that even if it doesn’t work out the way I want, I said it for me.

-A.