absoluteinvolution: real, raw & relatable.

I keep trying to stay strong, not reach out, leave you be. Distract myself with old habits, old memories from the past, hoping that it might make me forget about you. It’s been a week since I last saw you, touched you, heard your breathing as you fell asleep next to me. Seven days since your hands were wrapped in my hair while you kissed me in a bar full of strangers. One hundred and sixty-eight hours since you made love to me. I keep telling myself that you were just drunk and you didn’t mean any of it. Trying to find some justification as to why you’ve left me in the dark for so long, reminding myself that it has nothing to do with me. That’s what they say right? That it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them.

That’s not true though is it? It had everything to do with me. The way I love, the way I see through broken men, one look into those beautiful eyes. Shades of brown and green mixed together like a personalized swirl ice cream cone. That perfect smile that appears when I set my gaze upon you for just a little longer than expected. I watch the walls crumble around you when my fingertips touch you with a tenderness you can remember from early childhood. That nurturing feeling your soul craves so deeply regardless of the death and destruction you’ve faced in your lifetime.

I hold that space for you, as I’ve done with others in the past. I keep steady in my unwavering faith that maybe one day you’ll finally allow yourself to fall and if that day ever comes, I’ll be here to catch you. God I miss you. I can’t help it, you’d think the longer you held out, the quicker I would move on. I can’t, trust me I’ve been trying my hardest. Yet every night I lay down, hoping to finally get some rest my mind goes straight to thoughts of you. Thoughts of us…

My eyes burn from exhaustion, not wanting to miss a text, or a phone call, anything from you to show you’re still thinking of me. A glimmer of hope that tells me you still feel something, anything. I used to live my life with my phone on silent, now I keep my ringer on… Just in case… In case… Something. Anything.

I refuse to believe that this is it, that we did all that only to pretend like we never met. I know it’s a lot, to face your feelings, to remember what it’s like to truly let God show you how easy it can be. Especially when you’ve known hardship for so long. I won’t be your peace, you’ve got to find that on your own. What I will do though, is show you how peaceful it can be. Whether that’s showing you beautiful places I cherish, taking your boots off after work and rubbing your feet. Maybe even putting aside my fears of scary movies so we can watch them together and I can bury my face into your chest when I get too afraid to look at the screen.

I read something recently that said “I hope God gets into my thoughts before I do when I wake up.” The second I wake up, I reach for my phone in hopes you’ve called, texted, anything. I’m losing hope and I really don’t want to. I fell for you, I fell fucking hard too. Tripped, scraped my knees bloody, picked myself up and collapsed into you. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, I swear. It happened and now here we are, well… At least I am. I feel like I’m standing in the middle of a rainstorm, no umbrella, no shelter to hide under. Waiting for you to come with the beautiful shades of purple, red, orange, yellow and blue of a rising Sun. Hoping eventually you’ll part the clouds and restore my shine. I’m starting to lose faith, even if I don’t want to, is that what you want? I wish you’d just speak to me.

Not these weird fucking social media breadcrumbs that keep me hooked like some junkie waiting for her next fix. Every time I’m right on the fence, leaning towards the “Never again”, something pulls me back to the other side. A sign to stay strong and wait. A song, a like, a gut feeling that just won’t allow me to let you disappear into the sunset without me. It’s excruciating.

When you love the way I do, it can consume you. It can feel like the weight of a mountain on your chest, crushing you with every breath. But I’d never want it any other way, because it’s fucking beautiful. It reminds me that no matter what, I’m capable of feeling things so intensely. All or nothing, head first off a cliff. What an incredible thing, to be human and feel things so deeply.

I miss you, with every fibre of my being. I want you by my side again, I want the passion, the calm, the crazy, the silence. I want my laughter back, the drives to the beach together. I want the sarcasm, I want the honesty. I want you pushing me out of my comfort zone, I want you.

Can you come back? Can you stay this time? Can you give yourself to me, with no worries of control or having to answer to me. All I ask is that you stay, we give ourselves to each other without judgement and control. We grow together, we uplift each other, never hindering the other. Come back Love.. it’s cold without you.

-A.