absoluteinvolution: real, raw & relatable.

I swear I move through the phases of grief so quickly sometimes, or maybe I’m undiagnosed with bipolar. At this point, I’m just riding this fucked up rollercoaster. Some days I wonder if it would be easier to just numb myself with meds to stop feeling every thing so deeply. Would it be easier? Would I not feel so fucking manic all the time? Why can’t I simply release all that doesn’t serve me? I’m so damn tired of these things affecting me down to my core.

My brain and heart have messed with me so much, my body’s now getting affected. I’m exhausted, I’m angry, I’m depressed, I’m reactive, I’m numb. How can I feel so much and nothing all at the same time? I feel like I just want to scream at the top of my lungs and then sleep for a month straight. Why does mental stability feel the need to ebb and flow the way it does? I hate feeling like I’m victimizing myself, because I’m not. I don’t want pity, I don’t want people to feel bad for me. Nothing ever came from someone feeling sorry for me. My mind is just racing and I’m all over the place right now.

Sitting here waiting to know what’s going on inside of me is driving me absolutely insane. I know I’m stressing myself out and I know it’s going to delay results, but even when I get the answer, am I going to believe it? Or have I convinced myself that this is happening?

I guess this was just a brain dump. Hopefully it makes me feel better.

-A.