absoluteinvolution: real, raw & relatable.

This is me not reaching out. This is me not asking how your day went, if you got a restful night last night. This is me not wondering if the things causing you stress are easing up. This is me not sending you a funny reel that I know you would’ve loved. Not trying to crack a joke to make you smile. This is me giving you space, trying not to add to the weight you already carry on your shoulders. This is me attempting to regulate myself so I don’t seek you out for comfort. Making a conscious effort to seem less needy.

The serenity is what I miss the most, the peace your scent brings me. How one hug, face buried in your chest can completely stop all my racing thoughts. Resting my head in your lap while we watch podcasts on my couch. Feeling you swell against my cheek, knowing you can’t help yourself. The way everything just flows like a river, with such ease. A dance, perfectly choreographed for our souls to sway effortlessly together. Mirroring each other, the good and the bad so we can reflect on it later and grow as individuals, together.

Maybe I’ve convinced myself that everything is deeper, more than what it really is. Delusional thoughts, unrealistic expectations, false realities. I do tend to get lost in the fantasies, the poetics of it all. Creating my perfect little dream world, so I can completely lose myself in my dreams when sleep finally finds me. Exhausted, thoughts constantly racing, frantic scenarios playing in my head. Over and over and over again, until I can no longer keep my eyes open. Until the Sandman finds me yet again, in the early hours of the morning.

Do you think of me as much as I think of you? Do I visit you in your dreams like you do mine? Am I the only one of us that lays here, replaying our time together? Have I completely lost myself? I don’t know… I want to believe I’m not the only one drifting into alternate universes where you’re laying next to me. Maybe someday, maybe not. For now I’ll keep pretending, it’s better than forcing myself to realize that I didn’t mean as much as you meant to me.

For now, I’ll keep hope that one day you’ll surprise me at my doorstep and I’ll let you in. You’ll stare in my eyes and say “Thank you for not going anywhere.”

Just like I promised…

-A.