absoluteinvolution: real, raw & relatable.

Unrequited love.

Something I’m so painfully familiar with. My greatest quality and my deepest pain. The type of love that seems to find me every so often, when life is going so well and so peacefully. Someone comes into my life in the most unexpected way, climbing over the walls I’ve built to the heavens. Entering in a way that decimates anything in its path. It finds every corners of my mind and attaches itself to the surfaces of my thoughts. Entirely consuming me like a virus, in every nook and cranny.

At times I wish I could make it stop, allow my brain to stop racing like a Super Car on the Nuremberg Ring. Accelerator to the floor, testing the limits. It never ends. Even when the pains of betrayal are slapped in my face, I still find ways to glorify the magic I felt when I was in the moment. Actively choosing to remember the joy and happiness I felt when we were together. Like some sick form of self harm, torturing myself to believe it’s worth clinging onto. Give me something, anything to tell me I’m not some pathetic woman waiting for a man who isn’t going to come back.”

Silence.

A glimpse of hope.

Silence.

A glimmer of emotional vulnerability.

Silence.

Repeating patterns, going in circles. Round and round she goes again. I’m getting nauseous. I won’t get off this ride. I’m going to be sick. My feet won’t move, I can’t take the first step. Frozen in place. Memories flood back to the forefront.

Sitting next to you in the pier watching the Sun go down.

Our first date when I was running late; I had to stop and buy you bison jerky because I remembered you’d never had it before. Two kinds, just in case you didn’t like one.

I remembered.

Our second date, dinner and drinks. You didn’t want me to drive, that way we could both drink and relax a bit. We talked for hours, we drank, we fell asleep. Your arms held me so tight.

I remembered.

Stories you spoke of, I dare never share with anyone. There was a vulnerability in your eyes, reserved just for me. Your soul exposed, maybe too early. Maybe not. Connecting on levels that shocked and scared us both. I’m tired.. You allowed me to get so close, see things you keep hidden away to protect yourself. Feel your inner child, hold him. Give him a space to feel like he could safely be himself. And now? Nothing.

Silence.

A like on my stories.

Silence.

A quick check in.

Silence.

Does it end? Does it evolve? Or am I forever stuck in an endless cycle of Russian Roulette. Would I be lucky enough to catch all the blanks before the final fire hits me directly in the heart? This game feels rigged. More bullets than blanks. I feel this ache in parts of my body I didn’t know could hurt. Is that my soul?

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

You drink.

A message appears.

An inside joke only we could understand.

“Pastrami.”

Silence.

-A.