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Human touch.

One of the most underrated feelings in the world. When everything feels heavy, I crave physical touch. It’s a bit funny when I think about it, considering I dislike when people touch me. Lately, I’ve been needing it, my soul has been screaming to the Heavens for a simple hug. One that cracks you open, one where your heart rate immediately slows down and you can feel yourself fully inhaling and exhaling. An embrace that reminds you that you’re safe, you’re okay. That tomorrow will come (God willing), and you’ll face it head on with vigour. No matter what comes your way, you’ve got this.

Too often we don’t ask for that type of affection. Not because we don’t want it, but because we’ve been conditioned from an early age not to ask. That it’s an inconvenience, bothersome. Tonight I asked, I wasn’t going to accept a half hearted embrace either. I needed that closeness. In the dark, quiet bliss of my favourite place in this whole city, I asked. I could tell it was hard for you, being in my presence. You shyly climbed out of your vehicle and wrapped your arms around me. I wanted to hold on a little longer, but I fear it may have broken us both.

I hated and loved the darkness at the same time in that moment. I wanted to see your eyes, let you see the emotions I hide so well on a daily basis. Know and remember how much I care about you, I wanted to let you see the love that resides in the deepest parts of my soul. But I won’t take that moment for granted, I won’t ask for more. I know in my heart, this is where we need to be. This is where I need to be with you right now. I need to keep my head above water, regulate myself, learn to keep a routine regardless of what anyone else is doing. Immersing myself so deeply into you without the ability to uphold boundaries that benefit my life is a perfect recipe for self destruction.

With that, I thank you. I know love is not something you grew up with, affection at times is an improvidence. That’s not your fault, it just isn’t something you’ve learned to do yet. So I asked and with that I received. It may seem so simple to most, a hug. But to me, God knew I needed that. He knew the last couple of weeks have been difficult and I’ve struggled with so much. I’ve drank too much and I’ve beaten myself up for them the next day and every day since.

Today I made a decision for myself, to stop my distractions. Stick to a routine, clean up my dirty habits and trust that I can uphold these newfound ideas. That if I want the greatness He can provide me, I need to refocus, recenter and reignite my love for not only myself, you but Him as well. That if we are meant for something more than temporary, it cannot be rushed. I want to be the best version of myself, for myself, my kids. I hope that you’re included in that as well. I want you to be the greatest version of yourself, because God knows it’s in you. He reminds you of that every day, and you reminded me of that. I used to say “I want to do life with my person” but that’s changed, or at least partially.

I want to do life, but I also want to chase God with you.

-A.