absoluteinvolution: real, raw & relatable.

I thought I could have you one more time and be done. Put the last nail in the coffin so to speak and move on. Silly me, to think that something like that, someone like you, could be so simple to walk away from. I felt it the moment we looked into each other’s eyes again, when your lips pressed against mine once more. I knew it the moment I laid eyes on you again… I remember the words I spoke to you recently…

“I’m not going anywhere.
I want you to be part of my life, in whatever capacity you’re capable of giving.
I’m not going to block you, or remove you.
I’m here.”

My heartstrings began to strum a tune so familiar I feel it in my soul any time I think of you. When I close my eyes and I recount every part of you. Your jawline, the shape of your lips, your widow’s peak. The lines of each tattoo that covers your body, the way your hand feels when you touch me.

The way the colours in your eyes blend together, like a galaxy that only God himself could’ve created. I get lost in it every time, they captivate me and cause my anxieties to melt away like an ice cream on a hot day. Every scar and the stories you’ve told me that go along with them. I remember them all. I can picture every inch of you. Permanently etched in my mind, so if there ever comes a day where I can no longer see you, I will always have those memories…

You’re teaching me patience, wisdom, the love of God. You’re bringing me closer to Him and for that I am eternally grateful. You told me once it was simply your duty as a Christian, but I don’t think you understand the depth of it all for me. How lost I’ve felt for so long, how purposeless I’ve felt. I still don’t know what I’m meant to do in this lifetime, but I trust that He does. I wouldn’t have known that without you. You didn’t give up when I made jokes, when I tried to fight it while remaining respectful to your beliefs. I told you once I could see the love in your eyes when you speak of Him, the peace it brings you. I remember every conversation we had surrounding it.

I do believe in my heart we were meant to cross paths when we did, we were meant to go through all the things we have in such a short time. You’ve taught me more about myself than anyone ever has before. I feel like I’ve come closer to truly being at peace with so many hurtful things that have happened in my life. I’ve forgiven the people in my past who I thought destroyed my heart, took advantage of my kindness. The anger and bitterness I felt towards them has dissolved. I thought I’d become more bitter in my years, but instead I feel lighter. You’ve been the light in my life, bringing me closer to God, closer to myself as a Mother, closer to my inner child. I struggle to find the words for once to truly explain the amount of gratitude and love I have in my heart for you.

For once, if I had every word in the dictionary I still couldn’t capture what I feel because it’s not possible to. There’s so many things I wish I could tell you, look you in the eyes and kiss you ever so softly. Whisper all my deep thoughts into your ear as you lay next to me falling asleep as I watch your chest raise and lower. My hand gently placed over your heart, to memorize the rhythm of your heartbeat.

I can remember the smell of your cologne in my hair as I sit here and write. I can feel my heart rate slowing down as I sink into a peaceful state. My eyelids are getting heavy, remembering the words you said to me the last time we shared a bed. The way you held my head in your hands and kissed me with so much passion in front of everyone. Chills raced down my spine as I think of your hand reaching behind your seat to find my leg, your fingers tracing every inch of it. Squeezing me like it had been an eternity since you’ve held me. Not wanting to let go, but knowing this will take time. Holding back just enough so we don’t fall back into a pattern that could’ve destroyed everything.

I’m trusting in Him, if this is truly meant to be, it will be. Trusting that this is part of His plan and neither of us can rush it, that we need to pace ourselves. That regardless if I want you around me every moment of every day, things of this magnitude take time to develop.

Love is patient.
Love is kind.
It does not envy.
It does not boast.
It does not dishonor others.
It is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil,
but rejoices in the truth.
It always protects.
Always trusts,
always hopes.
Always perseveres.

-1 Corinthians 13: 4-8.

I lay my head down tonight in trust and hope. I rest my head where you laid yours that night knowing that sometimes the rope may tangle or twist, but it will never break. Goodnight, sleep sweet. May your dreams be, “ever so lovely.“

-A.