absoluteinvolution: real, raw & relatable.

You’re becoming everything you said you would. Doing all the things you said you would. Becoming the best version of yourself, or at least trying to. I’m so fucking proud of you. Genuinely. In the deepest parts of my soul, I’m happy for you. Even if it is at the expense of being around me. I guess this is where I say, “I just want you to be the best you that you can be”. I’m so conflicted though…

I want this for you, I want you to heal, I want you to refocus. I want you to look in the mirror and be happy with what you see. I want you to love your soul, like I love your soul. Reading those words a few weeks ago killed me. How could you see yourself that way when I think the world of you?

It crushed me. It tore my heart apart. If you could only see yourself through my eyes, you’d never speak that way about yourself. But I understand. I get it. Waking up each morning, wondering how you allowed yourself to get to a point where you’re completely unhappy with yourself. I get it. I know my opinion about you won’t sway your own intrusive thoughts. I just hoped it was enough to allow yourself the freedom to lay next to me while you worked on yourself.

I’m not angry though, I’m not upset. I know how easy it is to immerse yourself in someone else and completely lose your sense of identity and lose your focus. I admire you. I’ve told you this before. I admire your strength, your determination. The way you uphold your boundaries to ensure the optimal outcome that will ultimately give you inner peace. It feels so selfish to try and draw you in. I know every time I try, it’s when I’m drinking. Funny how I went sober for 3 years and now I struggle to go two nights without drinking.

I keep thinking if I drink, I’ll forget but I never forget. I need you more, I want you more. I keep thinking that maybe you’ll give in just once. But if you did, it wouldn’t be right. It would be a momentary lapse of judgement for short term gratification. Quick validation, simple lustful slip ups. There would be no real meaning to it. I don’t want that. I want you, healthy, happy and whole. Or nothing at all.

-A.