absoluteinvolution: real, raw & relatable.

I watched a reel today; it said that the more we talk about and focus on our problems, the more we attract them. I’m guessing it was your way of reaching out, making sure I’m not sitting here ruminating. Your way of keeping that line open, showing you care. I wish it was that easy for me. I’ve always been the overthinking type. The one who goes over every scenario repeatedly until I’ve run out of versions to contemplate. I know I can’t control how things play out and maybe that’s my problem. I want to have some form of control. Some semblance of authority over my thoughts and how things unfold.

I’m finding it hard to let go and allow God to take the reins. To settle into the idea that whatever happens will happen. I’ve always found it difficult to trust that way. Anytime I’ve trusted anyone, anything, it’s seemed to betray me. It’s seemed to blow up in my face. I know not everything will end up that way, but the blind faith in the unknown is terrifying. Doing it alone, is terrifying.

Fucking hell I miss you. I found myself looking at the pictures I took of you at the Lake this Summer. Remembering how much fun we had, how peaceful it was. I’ll keep trying to trust that this is how it’s supposed to be for now. Maybe forever. Either way, it’s not in my control.

-A.