absoluteinvolution: real, raw & relatable.

Twenty-four hours, tears streaming down my face. Every emotion known to man has crossed my heart and soul. Every part of me has felt this loss, my head, my chest every inch of me. The deep-seated pain has been going through me like waves in the Ocean, crashing at the shoreline. Breaking me apart bit by bit, in rhythmic fashion. I won’t sit here and apologize for these emotions, I won’t turn them off like the switch you claim you did. I know better, I know that even if we claim we can turn those feelings off, we can’t. In the quiet moments when you’re alone, when the silence washes over you, something comes into frame. Whether it be an inside joke you remember, the sound of our laughter. On a drive home, the sunset reminds you of us sitting together in absolute peace. Soaking up the beauties of the world together, not knowing it would’ve been one of our last.

The memories of laying in bed together after day at the beach filled with joy and true happiness. They never leave you; they take residence in your thoughts. Claiming to be able to simply turn off any romantic feeling is a lie. When you truly care for someone, that love never leaves you. It molds you; it creates new pathways in your brain and heart. It teaches us lessons that will stay with us for the rest of our lives. Unless we never cared as deeply for that person the way we claimed. You never loved them. Drunk words may be sober thoughts, but we can’t admit when someone has truly affected us. Don’t give the excuse that it was all my fault. My fault for worrying, for being concerned with your out of character behaviours when you drank. When you couldn’t be honest with me. When you iced me out.

Whether you’re a product of your upbringing or your environment, everyone grows and learns new patterns and new behaviours. We adapt, we grow, we decide that whatever way of life we were living that hasn’t worked out for us so far, needs change. We choose to make those changes because we want better for ourselves and the people we allow into our weird little worlds. In the end, you weren’t ready. You had things that still needed sorting, but instead of sorting them you pushed them aside. Used me as a distraction, a sort of escape from a life left behind but still clung to because you’d rather sit there punishing yourself than face the reality of things. Just like those before you, I wasn’t something you were expecting. I was different, pure, intentional, “calculated” in your words. I thought of every scenario possible before I dove head first off the cliff. I outweighed the pros and cons because I thought, based off the way you treated me and spoke to me, that it would be worth it. The impending fear and hesitation I carry within myself wasn’t going to stop me from trying. Trying with someone who I thought was worth the potential detriment of my mental health. I trusted you wouldn’t hurt me. I trusted that you’d protect my heart.

Oh, how wrong I was. I’m the problem, I’m untrustworthy, I’m broken. I should’ve known better. I didn’t take the hints, I didn’t listen, I’m un-datable, I’m disloyal. Yet never once did you take accountability for your actions. Never once did you apologize for treating me the way you did when you’d had too much to drink. Never once did you take accountability for leaving me in silence for hours on end when all I asked for was communication. For you to look me in the eyes and face me after your actions left me shaking in agony and fear that I’d done something so unforgivable. That I was the root cause of our downfall. When truthfully, you knew it wasn’t me. I wasn’t the problem, but you blamed me and others. I should’ve just known, I should’ve read your mind. What a silly thing to say. Are there things I can take accountability for, absolutely. Had you been clear, had you told me what you expected, or what made you uncomfortable I would’ve listened. Had I been able to lasso the Moon and bottle up the sunshine, I’d have given you both so you’d never miss it’s beauty and you could carry it in your soul for the rest of your days. I was willing to stand in front of an army of arrows and take every hit, if it meant you’d never suffer anymore pain for the rest of eternity. I’d have cloaked you in love, dedication and appreciation every day. I’d have prayed for your salvation, even if you weren’t with me. I still will, because no matter what happens, you still deserve that.

To believe otherwise only means you really don’t know me. You never did. You should’ve told me earlier, you should’ve told me when that proverbial switch in your heart turned off. Instead, you left me wondering, breaking myself apart bit by bit to figure out where my indiscretions lay. I cried, pleaded, acted like a fool begging for the king to laugh at any cost. Any reaction from you, good or bad just to know that there was still SOMETHING, ANYTHING there for me to grasp onto. I hung there like a rock climber who’d lost their footing, pleading you to reach out a finger to cling onto so I didn’t fall to my death. Instead, you ignore me, you left me alone to deal with the mess. You let me take all the blame unknowingly. You used me as a way to fill a void left by so many before me. I was a distraction. The only part of this I can take accountability for is not seeing it sooner. Not seeing through the façade, the games you played so well. Words meant nothing, actions meant even less.

I hope you remember the love I gave you, the way I held you when you spoke of your life experiences. I hope you realize I never shared any of those things, and until the day I get sent back to the Earth and turn to dust they will stay with me. Etched into my soul, memories and scars that molded me into the person I will become. Even if you stay in my heart forever, it’s time for my mind to take over. It’s time for my mind to protect my heart, whether I want it to or not. I don’t want to let you go, but I cannot live like this anymore. It’s not productive to sit here and dwell on the what ifs and maybe that’s what you wanted. Maybe that was the whole point of you telling me all the ways I fucked us up. Maybe even if it wasn’t true, you only said those things to hurt me so much that I ended up hating you. I did tell you long ago, that it was easier for me to end things with hating the other person. It seems like that still rings true, but I don’t hate you. I never will, but I won’t allow myself to keep seeing potential in someone that just simply isn’t there. Your soul is just as broken and beautiful as mine, but it isn’t meant for me. It never was.

A word to those who’ve made it this far;

“Don’t get too close, I’ll turn you into poetry.”

I will immortalize you in words that will last far beyond my years. A sort of ode to the better days. A eulogy of what has now died and etches its memories into the sand, far enough from the shoreline to never be washed away.

“Lingering in the echoes of laughter and the warmth of old memories.”

I will honor my grief; I will remember that I can carry both love and loss together. That someday, the broken piece of my bleeding heart will heal. The wounds of my soul will cauterize and I’ll acknowledge that I’ve only grown from this heartache. I will remember that I was lucky to have experienced the things I have, I will find healing from it. Remembering that I have been chosen to show other’s the love I never had, they never had before. I will transform the pain into something even more beautiful than I could ever have imagined.

-A.