absoluteinvolution: real, raw & relatable.

Music.

The best kind of therapy but at times, a soul crushing reminder of all the good and bad times I’ve had. Crazy how one line of a song can bring every heart wrenching memory to the surface.

I finally left the house yesterday evening, trying to distract myself and get back to some sort of semblance of reality. I chose a different store to shop at, a different road. You drove past me going the opposite direction and I felt my heart drop into my stomach. How? Why? I tried so hard to avoid this.

When we ask God for patience and strength, He gives us trials and obstacles to overcome. I don’t want anymore tribulations, I want peace. I want my soul to rest for a little while, for the tuirse* to take a pause. To be able to breathe without feeling like my soul is caving in. I want to forget some days. Shock all the memories, good and bad out of my mind. Rewind time and never reply to that first message. Relive this past summer without the laughs, without the instances of pure joy we shared.

But what good would that do? What lessons would I have not learned. Would I have reminded myself of my capacity to love someone again? Would I have been reminded how wonderful of a mother I am? How generous I can be when I truly care for someone more than myself? I’m not sure. Which is why I’m glad I can’t erase you, us.

I didn’t know what I was missing in life until you came along. But it wasn’t you that was missing, it was my shine. When I sit back and reflect over the past 5 months, I realize I was coasting through life. I was happy for the most part, but I’d lost my spark. I’d long left my glimmer behind with all the pain I’d endured over the last 7 years. My love for you brought that back, it brought my smile back. It brought back my desire for more…

I see now that the sparkle that surrounded you was my own. The shining aura that radiated off you, was me. I gave you that. The beautiful smile that crossed your face when we were together, was my doing. Regardless of the cruel ways you described me this past weekend, I know they aren’t true. I am loyal; willing to lay my life on the line for those I love unconditionally. I am trustworthy; keeping secrets and experiences locked up tight like the vaults of Gringotts. I am worthy; like God’s children are worthy of Heaven. I am also only human, we make mistakes sometimes. When someone truly loves you, they try. They try to understand the other person’s actions. They discuss things that bother them and try to come to a conclusion that they can move past. They don’t sit across the table from you, refusing to have a discussion because “I’ve already turned the switch off.”

You claim you didn’t love me the way I loved you. Something I’ve heard before, something I’m used to. I never asked you to love me the way I loved you. It’s impossible! I know this. I’ve known this my entire life. My love is eternal, no matter the indiscretions of others.

“I would cross oceans of time to find you.”

To have a poet, an artist, a writer fall in love with you, is for them to turn you into something that lives on well past our own lifetimes . To immortalize you forever on tear-soaked pages. Their words living on for eternity. Their words cutting like knives, or filling your soul with emotions you’d long thought dead. It’s to remind them, you and others that things aren’t always as simple as they may seem. That our actions and words never leave us. Forever ruminating in their minds, hitting them full force on a random Thursday afternoon while doing the dishes.

I’m trying my best to not allow those thoughts and feelings to consume me. But I have to go through it, head first. I need to let the hurt, the pain and the love flow through my fingers tips. Working through it all so I can come out alive, stronger than I was before. One day, in the future I won’t pray that God gets into my mind before thought of you do because He just will.

One day, I’ll wake up on a Saturday morning and make my coffee. I won’t remember you laying in my bed sleeping while I pour 2 milks in your cup, smiling while I walk down my hallway to wake you up ever so gently. I won’t remember laughing so hard my stomach hurt for days because your banter was what I look forward to the most. I won’t remember the horribly done smiley face tattoo that adorns your skin and made me giggle so much. One day, you’ll simply be a small part of the greatest life I’ve ever lived.

But for now, I’ll allow these thoughts to flow through me, I will process them, rewire them so they don’t cause me such heartache. I will learn to be patient with myself because I am healing once again, bandaging the wounds with love and compassion for myself this time. Trying to choose my happiness over of my depression and giving myself grace when I feel overwhelmed. When I feel like I’m fighting for air and I feel like there’s a crater sized void in my heart where you used to be. I will close my eyes and take a breath, in the absence of you. Reminding myself that I am the shine, I am the glimmer, I am the sparkle.

-A.