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What would I ask for if I no longer saw my needs as flaws or a burden?

Would I choose to honor the darkest parts of my soul? Truly stepping into who I’m destined to be? What would that look like? Have I ever really given it thought? It has felt like an unclimbable mountain for so long. But what if? The possibilities would be endless, if I for once, honored myself and gave into the opportunity that I am capable of attaining greatness.

If, for the first time in my life, without expectations or fears of failure I believed with every part of me that I could and would reach my goals. Whether big or small, I just simply tried. What if I failed, slipped up, allowed myself to fall back into the patterns I’ve known and lived for the last 35 years and chose to pick myself back up. What if, I chose to meet myself where I’m currently at. “Do what is doable, right now.” Instead of staying stagnant in fear, never budging from the seat I’ve chained myself to for far too long. What wonders of the world would I be able to see? The idea seems exciting, invigorating even. Could I put my own insecurities aside for long enough to give myself the chance, even miniscule, to succeed?

Showing up for myself can be scary, only because I’ve never done it. I’ve made attempts, created workout routines and meal plans. Scheduled days and structured my life around certain tasks so I could reach the end result I wanted. Only to have life do what it does best, throw you curveballs. I, still to this day, allow those curveballs to completely uproot any semblance of progress I’ve made. I self-sabotage, abandon myself and fall into yet another pit of depression. I tell myself that I must need to rest, but instead of honoring that rest and pushing myself back out of bed, I stay. I spend days if not weeks in a state of paralysis. Funny isn’t it, how I’ll get so upset with friends who flake on plans, but when I flake on myself its okay? How can I sit there, hypocritically behaving when I can’t even show up for myself? I crave someone being present for me. Showing me that they love me, showing me that they care and that I’m worth their time. While simultaneously never giving myself those things. I keep pouring into them, while expecting them to pour back into me. But if I can’t do it for myself, how am I to expect they should? Shouldn’t I be the one to first focus on myself, give myself what I need and stop expecting others to fill whatever voids I’ve ignored within. Why do I have the right to put that task upon their shoulders? Only to be disappointed in them when they can’t fulfill that need within myself. Am I truly hurt by them, or am I hurt with myself?

Why don’t I believe I am worthy of giving myself the love I need? Why is it, that I cannot fathom that I am deserving of putting myself first? To answer it simply, because I never have. It was always easier to push myself aside and think of others. Where has that gotten me? Exhausted, depressed, suicidal, angry, resentful, hurt.

Why not give myself the chance to be happy, the find the joy in life. Not in some toxic positivity type of way, but rather in a way that meets me where I’m at. Realistically, logically. With the realization that it’s okay to fail! It’s okay if my path to healing and true inner happiness is going to be messy! Art can be beautifully messy; life gets disorganized at time and that’s okay! Holding myself to these seemingly unattainable societal expectations and standards has only led me to stay stuck in this pre-emptive state of self-doubt. I’m tired of it. Truly, in my core tired of it. No longer will I sit here wallowing in self pity, coasting through life on auto-pilot. I will give myself the love I need, I will show up for myself, I will fail and I will continue to pick myself up. Not in some self preservation type of way, but in a way that honors every part of my being. I am worthy of that. I owe it to myself.

“We’re only here once and not for long, so love the shit out of everything!”

-K.Chartrand

The dying words of my paternal Grandfather who I was never close to but was given the chance to know for a year before his passing. Listening to his stories of the younger years, when money passed through his hands at an unimaginable rate. Material things like boats, bikes, dream cars and every thing you could possibly think of, he had it all. More money than he knew what to do with, but what he didn’t have was happiness, family, or himself. Years of resentment and anger flowed through him to the point he thought to himself “What’s the point?” Until sadly, he discovered he had Stage 4 Renal Cancer. A shocking discovery he never thought was possible. He’d eaten healthy all his life, worked out, even co-owned a gym. He took his health seriously, but forgot about his mind and his heart. Carrying painful memories and tragedies so deep he blocked them out. Compartmentalized his mind so he never had to think about them. Pushing all emotions and healing aside, so he could continue “doing what he had to do”. Until he knew his time was up… He reached out and we spent hours on the phone daily, talking about life, spirituality and not wasting your time angry and resentful.

He told me he was proud of the woman I’d become, the mother I’d become. He loved my children like he was never capable of loving his own. Even in his moments of excruciating pain and pharmaceutical psychosis, he still told me how wonderful I was. That I needed to take my health seriously, because I owed it to myself. He wasn’t going to waste anymore of his life sitting by without sharing his knowledge. I owe it to myself, to him, to my children to at least TRY.

So here we are, 35 years old finally willing to give myself the chance to LIVE. To step into the person my teenage self thought I would become. Confident, charismatic, compassion and most importantly healthy in mind, body and spirit. I will give myself grace when I fall behind. But I will remember that it’s okay to “feel your feels” but it’s not okay to pack your bags and move in with them. I am not a tree, I’m not stuck, I am its branches. Flowing with the wind, moving, growing. Stretching out towards the sun, soaking up every ray of sunlight I can. Forever rooted and standing strong. Some branches might crack and even break off, but just like that, I’ll heal and new growth will appear. Sap will cover the wounds and strengthen me. Even when rot tries to take over, I will create new pathways and keep growing into something beautiful, even if parts of me are broken. I will become the woman my inner child needed.

-A.