Category: Uncategorized
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058: She just needs someone who knows her. Turn all the chaos to closure.
Loyalty. Something so underrated; something lost in this generation of hookup culture and disposable friendships. Loyalty in connections is bare minimum. To have someone you know you can always count on, know that if you call they will always answer. That at any moment they’d be there for you in…
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057: If you can find the time, just be sincere.
Honest: free of deceit and untruthfulness; sincere. Honesty, the simple act of being forthcoming with pertinent information. Bearing your truths to those of importance when it matters the most. Building trust, whether it be in friendships or relationships. The fear of giving someone all the power so to speak, to…
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056: So before I save someone else, I’ve got to save myself.
Safety. Being in your mother’s arms as a newborn, warm and swaddled. Drinking milk and being kissed, you’re safe, you’re happy. A toddler awakens in the dead of night, a nightmare struck and you ran into your parents’ room, they lift the blankets and you crawl in, squished between Mom…
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055: Someone like me can be a real nightmare, completely aware. But I’d rather be a real nightmare than die unaware.
What would I ask for if I no longer saw my needs as flaws or a burden? Would I choose to honor the darkest parts of my soul? Truly stepping into who I’m destined to be? What would that look like? Have I ever really given it thought? It has…
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053: You shine in the darkness like something so holy.
Music. The best kind of therapy but at times, a soul crushing reminder of all the good and bad times I’ve had. Crazy how one line of a song can bring every heart wrenching memory to the surface. I finally left the house yesterday evening, trying to distract myself and…
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052: They also told me, “Just believe”, I just know that you wont’ come back.
Twenty-four hours, tears streaming down my face. Every emotion known to man has crossed my heart and soul. Every part of me has felt this loss, my head, my chest every inch of me. The deep-seated pain has been going through me like waves in the Ocean, crashing at the…
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051: I’m still here in this bed that I crawled in, I hope I’m someone else in the morning.
I watched a reel today; it said that the more we talk about and focus on our problems, the more we attract them. I’m guessing it was your way of reaching out, making sure I’m not sitting here ruminating. Your way of keeping that line open, showing you care. I…
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050: Can you tell I’m conflicted, can you tell I’m addicted?
You’re becoming everything you said you would. Doing all the things you said you would. Becoming the best version of yourself, or at least trying to. I’m so fucking proud of you. Genuinely. In the deepest parts of my soul, I’m happy for you. Even if it is at the…
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049: All of my friends are missing again. That’s what happens when you fall in love.
I laid on my back, face up to the skies in the snow covered grass tonight. Tears pouring down my face as I spoke to God. I can’t even remember what I prayed for. Sometimes I wonder if I’m intentional enough with my words. If I’m careful enough, selective enough…
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048: Mending all my broken parts, take me to that place.
I thought I could have you one more time and be done. Put the last nail in the coffin so to speak and move on. Silly me, to think that something like that, someone like you, could be so simple to walk away from. I felt it the moment we…
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047: ‘Til the Sun turns to ashes, and bows down to the Moon. I will wait for you.
Human touch. One of the most underrated feelings in the world. When everything feels heavy, I crave physical touch. It’s a bit funny when I think about it, considering I dislike when people touch me. Lately, I’ve been needing it, my soul has been screaming to the Heavens for a…
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046: I had a dream, I got everything I wanted.
4am. Restless, things are quiet around me but in my mind it’s so loud. I thought I was doing better today, until night came. The memories rushed back in, an endless rerun. Like an old TV series that wakes you up right as you’re about to fall asleep. You’ve seen…
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045: It’s not love, it’s something louder. something that doesn’t shut off at 2am.
Unrequited love. Something I’m so painfully familiar with. My greatest quality and my deepest pain. The type of love that seems to find me every so often, when life is going so well and so peacefully. Someone comes into my life in the most unexpected way, climbing over the walls…
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044: I won’t let you out of my mind, unless you do it first.
Every fibre of my being craves you. Every piece of me begs for you to be by my side. I find myself waking up in the middle of the night, reaching out to the side of the bed you shared with me. The sunsets feel a little emptier without you.…
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043: I can finally see, you’re as fucked up as me. So how do we win?
This is me not reaching out. This is me not asking how your day went, if you got a restful night last night. This is me not wondering if the things causing you stress are easing up. This is me not sending you a funny reel that I know you…
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042: In September, I laid it all to rest.
I see us driving down the back road, your hand reaches for mine after so much anticipation. I freeze initially, making sure that’s actually what you’re doing. Did you finally let a wall down? Am I seeing things? I extend my hand, hoping you don’t pull away before our fingertips…
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041: All I know is I don’t deserve that.
I swear I move through the phases of grief so quickly sometimes, or maybe I’m undiagnosed with bipolar. At this point, I’m just riding this fucked up rollercoaster. Some days I wonder if it would be easier to just numb myself with meds to stop feeling every thing so deeply.…
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040: So take this one, wash it down and you’ll be fine.
You’d think at some point after going through this every few weeks with you, that I would decide I’ve had enough and move on. Maybe I didn’t do enough shadow work as I thought I did. I still have this desire to understand your reasoning and know the answer to…
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039: What a beautiful feeling, to love and know love in return.
I keep trying to stay strong, not reach out, leave you be. Distract myself with old habits, old memories from the past, hoping that it might make me forget about you. It’s been a week since I last saw you, touched you, heard your breathing as you fell asleep next…
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038: Put it on me, I would wait here forever and a day.
Take me back to September sunsets. Quiet moments sitting on the beach. Swatting mosquitos off each other so we could capture the perfect photo. Laughing until tears streamed down my face and my cheeks hurt for days. Bellies filled with good food and hearts filled with love. Take me back…
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037: Your sweet and pretty face, in such an ugly world.
The struggle is real. That fine balance between letting go and letting God, simultaneously wanting my desired outcome to come to fruition. It’s honestly maddening most days, but I just keep reminding myself that I did it for me. Getting to the point where I’m finally able to voice my…
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036: You’ve got a secret smile and you use it only for me.
I wanted to say thank you. For everything. For the laughter and the happiness, the nights out and the sunsets we shared. I want you to know I don’t think you’re a bad person, or that I hate you. Because realistically, how could I? You were almost perfect. I know…
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035: They say stop it while you can, you don’t get it. I don’t give a damn.
Lesson learned. I got the memo this time. Return to sender. The number you’re trying to reach has been disconnected. I’m done. The desire to keep a soft heart has left my soul. This last one, this last one did some damage. Comically enough, I knew it would. I saw…
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034: ‘Cause it still makes my blood run cold, to remember what they did before.
It seems we met again, the same soul in a different body. I recognized it immediately; the tone, the laughter, the exact same words formulated into slightly different sentences. A Full Moon is upon us tonight and I can’t help grin in intrigue at the timing of it all. The…
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033: I’d rather write my way around it, cuz I don’t want to talk about it.
Trauma is interesting isn’t it? The way our brains can rewrite our memories to either remember it differently, or not remember it at all. Compartmentalizing memories that your subconscious knows you’re better off forgetting, even though in your bones you know something doesn’t feel right; hasn’t ever felt right… Trauma…
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032: I’ve been learning how to, forget how to love you.
I’ve caved a few times since my last entry. Found excuses to message or call. Ran into you far too many times to chalk it up to coincidence. I have to convince myself that it isn’t the Universe’s way of keeping us in each other’s thoughts and lives. Repeatedly tell…
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031: It’s just me, Jack and Jim…
They say you can’t truly rebuild yourself unless you hit rock bottom. You cannot rise into the best version of yourself, until you’ve broken into a million pieces and had to pick them all back up. What they don’t tell you, is what to do when you feel like you’ve…
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030: Hey Neighbour…
One year. 52 weeks. 365 days. 525,600 minutes. I kept wondering why I was feeling anxious in the weeks leading up to today. We don’t realize exactly how much the body keeps the score, until we figure out the cause of the anxious feelings. One year ago today, we started…
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029: I’m not the same girl you had in your Chevy.
Four months. Four months since I looked in your eyes, four months since I heard the sound of your voice. Four months it took me to start slowly forgetting you, to stop worrying if I was going to run into you. To stop feeling like I’d have a panic attack…
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028: You dug too deep in my soul, you turned me to a wretched so cold.
Congratulations, you turned the woman with the biggest heart into someone she doesn’t even recognize anymore. The one who promised herself she would never let anyone turn her heart cold. You ruined her, tore out any remaining warmth she had. Stole any hope she had left. You walked out of…
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027: I just hope you know what you’re fighting for.
I’ve been slipping… Slipping on things that I held so strongly to for the last few years. I find myself grasping to old patterns only to fill voids left empty by him. I hate it, I hate what after so long I’ve allowed myself to be back in a place…
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026: All she wanted, was to never say Goodbye.
Imagine being called the best thing in someone’s life, only to be made to feel disposable. Temporary. Imagine sitting in your bed at night, trying to quiet the thoughts of heartache. For a moment, think about how it feels to be pulled back into his chest while you fight with…
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025: Southern Butter Pecan.
Isn’t it interesting how sometimes in life you do things without realizing it’s going to be the last time you do them? The simplest things are taken for granted without even knowing it. Something as mundane as driving down a certain trail, standing around a certain fire, ordering someone’s favourite…
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024: Self-destruction has never felt this comfortable.
I feel like I’m one small disaster away from a complete mental and nervous breakdown. Yet somehow, I’ve managed to keep it together in the most chaotic scenarios. The last year has been by far, the hardest of my life. Between having my second child, dealing with a partner who…
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023: A part of me I’d never seen; you took my soul and wiped it clean.
I’m tired. My heart is tired, my mind is tired. My body has held up this weight for so many years without releasing any of its tension. “You’re so strong! I don’t know how you do it?” I’ve heard these words and read them hundreds of times. I can’t wait…
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022: You don’t have the time; you leave them all behind.
I’m not sure when this shift happened, where I lost all confidence in my own independence. I used to be so self-assured, so goddamn self-confident. I like to think somewhere deep down inside, she’s still there. That fearless woman who won’t take shit, who won’t put up with being an…
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021: When she says she loves you, tell her you love her too.
I’ve never been one to stop myself from feeling the rush of a new love. Regardless of all the shit that I’ve been thrown by assholes, weak men, broken little boys; I’ve always kept my chin up and been hopeful that I might find my person. Who knows if I’ll…
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020: Save your time while it’s cheap.
For the last 6 years, I’ve had some serious ups and downs and I ended 2023 with quite the life change for myself and the kids. Even though I had no idea what was going to happen, how I was going to manage or what I was going to do..…
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019: Opening up means trusting others…
New relationships are always terrifying. Learning how other people handle life, emotions, upsets and everything else feels so overwhelming at times. Opening up to someone new, sharing your traumas with them, communicating your wants and needs… It’s all part of the hunt for your person. Now add in doing that…
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018: Can we kiss forever?
You were supposed to be nothing more than a momentary sensation. Something to fill a space for the time being, a warm body to remind me that I can actually feel. With all that being said, I’m glad you became so much more. For once in my life, I find…
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018: Before I make my final run, I will stay with you.
They say you should create without the expectation of anyone seeing it, write without thinking anyone will read it. So here I am, after taking some time to work on my personal life I’m ready to get back into it. I feel like so much has happened in such a…
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017: Why we playin’ safe when it’s dangerous.
Absolute involution. Becoming self aware, beginning to live ones truest self. The first steps to coming into your own. Awakening. The sensations of freedom, the ease of life. The universe has a funny way of placing people in your path when you absolutely need it. Sometimes those people are new…
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016: Tonight I saved my life, when I showed you the door.
Strength. Something I’ve always been known for. Something that everyone asked me how I had so much of. I don’t know where it comes from, or how I got so much of it. It’s something that has just happened after years of emotional abuse at the hands of people who…
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015: You’re not a tree, you’re not stuck.
Every day that passes I realize how much I’ve grown as a woman in the last 4 months. I don’t want to go back to being unhappy with my life or myself. I want to keep the waters smooth. I’ve learned so much recently. What I’m willing to accept, what…
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014: It’s always on the tip of my tongue.
These damn full moons always get me in my feelings. There must be something seriously aligned with my birth chart for this particular Moon because as much as I try, I can’t seem to shake off all the emotions. I thought it would be a good time to get myself…
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013: Between comfort & chaos.
Gasping for air, but you can breath just fine. You’re safe, you’re protected, yet so close to the danger zone. What a thrill, to feel so alive and so close to death at the same time. Recklessly careful, heated exchanges. Blood rushing to your extremities, tingling sensations flowing through your…
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012: In the middle of the night.
My thoughts go back to you. Looking up into your eyes and seeing the fires of a thousand wars. The eternal flames of inner battles you struggle with silently. The thoughts you suppress in your mind while I await your guidance. A back and forth, yin and yang. Peace and…
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011: Letting go.
I’m letting go. Letting go of the idea of perfection, the idea that everything needs to have a reason or purpose. I want things to just be. Allow them to thrive on their own for no other reason than the fact that they exist. See where life takes me when…
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010: Given the circumstances.
Don’t you love when things just fall into place? Manifestations you were really putting your energy into come to fruition and you feel accomplished. Finally, for the first time in a while, you feel like you can breathe a sign of relief after months, or years of drowning in your…
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009: I can’t, but I will.
Everyone can benefit from a mental break sometimes. Life’s heaviness can feel inescapable and before you find yourself splashing around violently in an ocean of overwhelming emotion, check in with yourself. Find something that can take you away from it all, even just for a moment. Whatever that may be…
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008: the idea of love & the feminine divine.
I’ve always been a hopeless romantic, regardless of the concrete exterior I portray to the general public. Once I connect with someone on a certain level, they’re allowed to see a side of me not many do. I think it’s this way with most people who have built up walls.…
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007: If it matters to you.
I used to admire you. Your courage, your ability to put yourself first. I used to think of you as this perfect figure, without flaws that couldn’t be justified. Imagining myself alongside you in an ideal world. Rolling hills, a tiny brick house we called our own in a foreign…
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006: Try as you might.
Sometimes I wish I had the patience of a thousand monk. To not react when feeling provoked, to take a mental step back and assess something instead of wanting to fight it head-on. I’ve always been this way. Confrontational, ready for battle, willing to break my own back to prove…
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005: I’m not unhinged or unhappy, I’m just wild..
Every time I seem to be facing a serious crisis in life, I run. Some people drink, some turn to drugs, meaningless flings with strangers. I become a track star. Running as far and as fast as I possibly can to get away from whatever it is causing me to…
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004: Lovely to be rained on with you.
Eyes meet and the feeling of adrenaline courses through your veins. You stop to soak it in, even just for a moment. The sensation of being alive, truly alive. How blessed to be able and healthy enough to experience. Never something to be taken for granted or forgotten. Running to…
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003: A love letter to me.
In the quiet moments of the night, I find myself consumed by the thoughts of the past. All that remains are fleeting memories. A carefree time where the only thing that mattered, was you. Don’t forget. Don’t let those memories fade. For they have stayed with me throughout hardships and…
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002: Started from the Bottom.
Starting anything new can be extremely terrifying and I’ve had my fair share of new. Attempted to model, selling clothing, making clothing, tattooing, homemade bath products, you name it. Every SAHM side hustle you can think of, short of MLMs and Feet Finder. Although I’m not opposed to looking into…
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001: Nobody said it was easy.
It’s been awhile since I’ve sat down and taken the time to analyze what’s been happening in my life. It always seems to happen when parts of my life are coming to an end and birthing new beginnings. I’m trying to think of the words I use more carefully now,…
absoluteinvolution: real, raw & relatable. 